A Teaching of the Prophet

Start by collecting a few small rocks,
         an odd number of rocks, to be specific,
                  preferably a multiple of three or seven,
                                           for these are holy numbers, you know.
                                                  Yes, they are holy numbers.
Now, go beyond a bush and relieve yourself.
        Oh please, go ahead, by all means, relieve yourself.
                       Take all the time you need.
And when you are done,
                    spit on the rocks you collected,
                           and use them to wipe your…well, ass,
                                                               to put it bluntly,
                                                    for as the Prophet himself said:
                                             “there is no shyness in the matters of faith,” 
                                                               wipe your ass, then, 
                                                                     until it is completely dry and clean.
                                                                                    and clean.
Now, this is the Way of the Prophet, rest assured.
This is what he had instructed us to do, pray believe me.
This is what he had done himself, indeed,
                           whenever he had relieved himself.
And we can be sure of this, rest assured.
For this report comes to us on the authority of Abu Hurayrah himself,
                  you know, the Prophet’s companion who loved kittens so much,
                                  and hated women, donkeys and dogs,
                                                  though not necessarily in that order.
He and his friends had all the right answers
                to any question we can ever think of,
                       for they were the perfect embodiment of Islam,
                                      as we all must surely know.

June 1995