Start by collecting a few small rocks,
an odd
number of rocks, to be specific,
preferably
a multiple of three or seven,
for
these are holy numbers, you know.
Yes,
they are holy numbers.
Now, go beyond a bush and relieve yourself.
Oh please,
go ahead, by all means, relieve yourself.
Take all the
time you need.
And when you are done,
spit
on the rocks you collected,
and
use them to wipe your…well, ass,
to
put it bluntly,
for
as the Prophet himself said:
“there
is no shyness in the matters of faith,”
wipe
your ass, then,
until
it is completely dry and clean.
Yes,
dry
and
clean.
Now, this is the Way of the Prophet, rest assured.
This is what he had instructed us to do, pray believe me.
This is what he had done himself, indeed,
whenever
he had relieved himself.
And we can be sure of this, rest assured.
For this report comes to us on the authority of Abu Hurayrah
himself,
you
know, the Prophet’s companion who loved kittens so much,
and
hated women, donkeys and dogs,
though
not necessarily in that order.
He and his friends had all the right answers
to
any question we can ever think of,
for
they were the perfect embodiment of Islam,
as
we all must surely know.